1st Father’s Day Without Him

This weekend will mark the first Father’s Day since my Dad passed. I honestly wish that I could go without it, what does that say about me? I could easily redeem myself by stating that he would totally understand, but the underlying fact that I wish to be selfish in the first place is still there. When he passed, there were a lot of comments thrown around about my brother and I being adopted, so that somehow implied that we were effected less by his passing, or that he wasn’t as much of a father to us because he wasn’t blood? He was more a father to me than any man I had ever known. It was really quite ridiculous. It is funny to hear of stories about how uptight he use to be about people. My mother always said that he changed the way he looked at people quite a bit in the years they were married. We tend to have that effect on people, my mother and I.

He saw it all clearly before he passed, it was like talking to a completely new man. He understood the effect of negativity, he was ready to try anything to keep himself healthy, anything to get my mom back…  I know that I have said it before, but I will probably repeat it time and again, we were so very blessed to have those hours upon hours to talk before he went into surgery. I know in my heart that there is nothing that could replace that. I had that… his adopted, loved, caring step-daughter. We had that…

Can I tell you how it broke my heart that my son picked up his book of photos and before turning to the correct page, he started saying, “Papa, Papa?” It is the small times such as then that tend to catch me off guard and leave me a bawling mess. Think I might take the Lemur King to his Dad’s in Toledo and head over to Molly’s, my Dad’s favorite little diner to eat? His girls would get a kick out of that. Then maybe take a newspaper over to Charlie, Dad’s best friend. He’s in a home right now and he can’t stand it there. Wish I were able to take him out on my own, but I would be too afraid of him losing his footing and falling. We will have to see how it works out. So much to be done. I know that whatever it is that I end up doing,  Dad will be right there laughing his behind off. Such a comforting feeling.

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The Passing That Led to My Disappearance…

I’m back my friends, I have missed you all greatly… My father went into the urgent care a couple weeks ago with a cold. That “cold” was pneumonia and that led to finding out he needed his third open heart surgery. On April 16th, he went in for that surgery and ended up having another heart attack on the table. After being on machines for almost seven days to give his body a rest, they tried the surgery again on the 22nd. During that surgery, there was too much bleeding and we lost him.

My brother and I may have been adopted by my father, but he was the one man that stood by us even after things with my mother had ended. I called him Dad and loved him more than most people in my life. A strange thing happened when he went in the hospital… because my youngest boy’s father lives in the area of the hospital, he was able to take most of the responsibility of the care of our little man, giving me the opportunity to stay up at the hospital with my father. I was able to talk to him for hours on end before he went into surgery.

I was able to learn so much about him. I was able to learn that he had found God and that he was not scared. That alone eases all the pain that I could feel. I was able to learn about his parents, how he grew up, how he felt like a wimp when he cried and how he finally realized that he had to be open to people and situations. I got to sit and talk with my daddy, as an adult, saying what we needed to say… we were blessed.

And then it all ended… not even 15mins. after the doctor and chaplain walked out, my estranged step-brother started talking about life insurance policies and his quarter share. The very next morning he was at my father’s door at 8:15am to start going through my dad’s things. We called him up and my other brother up to meet at my dad’s favorite diner, where he went off about being slighted all his life and getting his fair share of dad’s things. During that breakfast he declared that he wanted copies of all paperwork and to be on the phone when we handled the accounts. Now, dad wasn’t a wealthy man by any means, he called a small trailor his home, all his cards were maxed and he had a new van that hadn’t even had a payment made yet. He left the breakfast in a huff, talking about getting a lawyer and such. He followed that up with calling the cops and kicking us out of dad’s house when we went to look for the paperwork. This was all followed by hateful names and bodily threats if we were to show up at the memorial from one of their family members….

It has been just over a week and we are now beginning to grieve… my dad was the best and this situation has been the worst. So disrespectful to his memory. I have quit smoking in his honor though, he would be incredibly happy with that. I am missing him more than I could have imagined. He really was a man of honor and loyalty, that is what I have to remember. I also have to remember that it may have taken him a lifetime to understand how important it was to be open to love, but he understood it before he left us, he took that with him. He was laughing as always when he went into surgery and he wasn’t scared. I couldn’t have prayed for more…

A Little Spice and Plenty of Space

I am a cooking fool today…          No. 3 and I are cooking up a storm in Toledo! Well, I am, No. 3 is making his way around the large island, out into the dining room, out farther into the living room, then bake again. All the while, making this high pitched squeal. One of my favorite noises for sure. I love having the space to cook down here! I am attempting to make baked jalapenos stuffed with cream cheese, wrapped with bacon and a potato and leek soup. It feels like 500 degrees in here and I am loving the multi-purpose use of my yoga top. I am grateful for the use of this kitchen, yet tend to be a bit depressed going home to my own. It tests my will and teaches me each time.