There is no other way to say it, I should feel some sort of shame for the ridiculous amount of time that it has been since my last post. Being that I am quite aware of it, does that make it any easier for me to face the reality of what has kept me from writing for so long? No, not any easier. Once again I am not completely sure how or why my life has gotten into the situation that it is in. I keep trying to play things the “right way”, yet always seem to fall behind. I shall figure it out soon.
7.5” x 8” (Without Frame)
15” x 14.5” (With Frame)
Artist Designed and constructed frame) 23K Yellow Gold Leaf and 13.25K White Gold Leaf over White Oak. 2009
Oil on Panel
This was a portrait that I modeled for and the first of many done by artist David Eichenberg. I told him many times that he has NO idea just how much this changed who I was. It all came along, perfectly timed, at the right point of my life. The fact that he called it Revolutionary was monumental for me. Forever will it be a turning point for me. All my selfishness aside, he is an amazing person who I have been blessed to have gotten to work with. Blessed to have seen yet another beautiful creation come out of him… www.davideichenberg.com
Trying to come out of that funk… This self pity and lack of motivation has got to stop! Laying quilt trips on myself and being harder on my psyche than anyone I have ever known. I need my Bikram. I am all off and I do not like the person that I am becoming. Think it’s time for an ass kickin, my own that is…
Blues, yoga and gardening, maybe that will kick things back in order? The cleaning is just not working. I am not feeling more centered, if anything I am feeling more torn now than ever. I know that this too shall pass, but seriously, my impatient self was over with it before it began. Missing Dad terribly. Those times when his silly humor is the only thing that made sense… it’s just not the same without him here. Makes me realize a lot about what I really desire out of life. Not this pathetic excuse that I have been living up until now, that’s for damn sure. Going to get what I want before long… it is going to happen. I just need time and healing. And some Blues.
Too many little things, not enough of something… that is how today has felt for me. The day was gorgeous! I think it was over 70 degrees for sure! The only other thing you could ask for, and it might almost seem greedy, is clear and sunny skies. I was not disappointed there either. Amazing weather for this time of year, that I cannot argue. There is something underlying here, something catching my breath. Maybe it was my call to my mom the other morning. Sometimes I despise being so closely “in tune” with those I love in my life. Admittedly, there is no grace to be found in me despising it so. Yet, after that moment clicks when you know that you are onto something with someone and you didn’t want to be? That lingering worry that can make you lie awake at night for hours just waiting for something to happen… it’s terrifying!
Things are changing so quickly around here that I had to stop myself today and remember that I cannot please everyone. I am the Queen of Disclaimers. It’s almost humorous to me now how trained the ex had me. “Why don’t you wear makeup, why are you wearing makeup, why are you wearing yoga pants to your best friend’s house, why are there two different kinds of feminine products on this receipt, why was that joke with your friend so funny, why don’t prostitute’s ever complain about that?” That last one was my favorite… Ultimately there is no one else to stand up and accept that I let that happen to myself. I was the one that handed over the keys to myself and said, “Here, redecorate as you wish.” What in the hell was I thinking?
I can tell you one thing, I wasn’t thinking about what a phenomenal woman I am! I sure as heck wasn’t thinking that. Even after all of these years away from him, I still explain my every move to people. That is NO way to live, almost to 40 and feeling like I am a child having to explain my thoughts to my daddy. What a pathetic man to even ever let me feel that way! Ugh….
All of it aside, forever grateful I will be to have went through every heartache. Today I can put my life into perspective and appreciate my family, my loves, my desires, for what they are worth. Today I know what a strong woman I am… Or do I? Why can’t I just live as I use to?
I was watching a dvr’d episode of Anderson today about families of serial killers. Pat Brown was on there and said something that really “hit home” with me… She had stated that one of the killers she had researched put it in perspective best when he was asked something along the lines of,”How do you think the parents feel about not being able to put their daughter to rest?”, he responded with, “If I would’ve cared AT ALL about what the parents thought, I wouldn’t have killed their daughter.” Sums it up for me… some people are just seriously messed up in the head! There are varying degrees, but everyone is capable of a little crazy. When you can’t please someone for this or that, it’s nothing to take personal. It’s just harder for some to hold their crazy in.
I need to quit giving into everyone’s crazy…
My up-do for the day! I can’t tell you how hard it is to get all this hair to stay up! If you have any ideas, I would love to hear them!! Changed around the kitchen the other day and now there is a whole different “work” area! I am completely stoked about working in the next couple weeks… Next I have to paint the walls and finish the cabinets on the other side. Might have to have a painting party to get it done!
There is something going on lately, another change. I feel solidly depleted, yet not scared. Call it faith, call it stupidity, call it what you will, but it continues to remind me how strong I can be. I need to be reminded. With the oldest moving out, I have been faced with this crazy abundance of work to do around here. My mind and my heart are all in. They are designing rooms, picking out colors for the floors and walls, drawing up floor plans, doing the laundry, making the next batch of baby food, etc. My mind is spinning with ideas of what I want to improve around here to make it a better living space for all of us. The boys need their rooms specially adapted for their visual impairment, so the timing couldn’t be better. I’m a “glass half-full” kinda girl. My heart wants to get it all done quickly, for everyone’s sake. My body though…
I hate when my body disagrees with those two. I know there are many things to be done around here, yet no matter how much my spirit has it’s arms around the other three today, my body is not letting me out of this bed for very long today. I have tried giving it a pep talk, but it is just not happening. I was able to get up to load the dishwasher and clean the kitchen a bit, but then the legs called out the protestors. How does little ole me fight the protestors? I pushed myself way too hard these past couple of weeks. I know it and my Mama would say how in denial and stubborn I am. I am okay with that. Who wants to live their life never pushing themselves for fear that they will physically be down for sometime afterwards? I say it only makes me stronger. Unfortunately that strength comes from trying to live my life as if I don’t have this condition. I am blessed to have some time to myself to recoup while the kids are gone for the weekend! Because tomorrow… I begin to deconstruct the room in the front to make room for Spyder’s bed. Resting up now…