When leaving the hospital, I told them that I didn’t have anyone that could physically care for me in an emergency at home. That was tested and proven last night…Watch this video to find out just how humbled I had to be… https://youtu.be/tenoV1CwT38
I have not been myself lately. I have stopped being me again. There is this defense mechanism that I seem to carry on some tiny gene that says I must go into a type of hibernation as soon as things start to get a bit “tense” in my life. Or should I say, a little more chaotic than the endless intensity that is my life. Dealing with this brutal winter has left my body near incapacitated at times. Most of the time, through no fault of my own, it is just the way it is for me in the cold weather now, I have learned to accept at least that small fact of this fucking condition. In my incapacitated states, I often turn toward the computer. What I have noticed as of late has me on an upward swing of inspiration? I can’t tell you how excited I am at this new discovery!
Reflection is the key and I think that is my exact problem, I have not been reflecting as needed. This past year has been beyond brutal to my psyche, testing me to a point that I didn’t think possible, I am learning to welcome that. Within all this testing I have not been able to find inspiration. I have found plenty of empty motivation and that almost seems worse than anything! To have all of this “oomph” behind you and nowhere to direct it? It is such a wasted shame. All of that energy just a wasted shame…
Needless to say, when I started to find the inspiration again, I stopped to appreciate it. I stop daily now, a couple times a day and verbally thank the Universe for the beauty that is my life. The internet has become my fast friend in teaching me the ropes to inspiration as of late. Some say that Facebook is the Devil, I say that it is the person making the decisions that is to blame, the internet just “lays your options out there” for you to make your decisions. I personally am grateful for Facebook, for without it, I wouldn’t have changed who I am, because I wouldn’t have been face to face with the things I needed to accomplish that change. I wouldn’t have known that a friend that I high respected from high school, that I had connected with again through Facebook, had passed away at 38, leaving behind a young daughter. I wouldn’t have been able to make the trip to pay my respects or connect with other close friends that I haven’t seen in over 20 yrs. There would have been no reflection to my life, no feeling of almost obligation to really buckle down and figure things out. Not that I haven’t been trying, but it was all like a 2×4 to the chest, ya know?
Without the internet, I wouldn’t know of another friend from high school that was always full of such piss and vinegar, who is now running in Ironman triathalons! He is constantly posting photos or comments about running over 6 miles in -15 degree windchills and such. How does one possibly complain about having to shovel the walk after looking at a photo like that?! The fact is, you shouldn’t be able to. I am sure that it does help that I know of his past, but that just teaches me another lesson, don’t put a life onto someone, you never know who they are going to turn out to be. He is an inspiration because he has always been genuine, he has always partied like it was his last one, he has a beautiful family and children, works his butt off and continues to strive for more. He defines what his life is going to be. I find such inspiration in that.
Yet another friend from high school is pushing past cancer scares. She is constantly driving from Ohio up to Michigan to go to the Karmanos Institute to get brain scans, she is also my age. I am no longer young, boy was that a concept that I had a rough time with. She’s awesome though, handles it all with such humor. She wears her hair bright pink and seems to always have such a smile on her face. She also takes care of her family and any mother knows what a tough job in itself that one is! Who am I to complain about my pain at all when she takes care of her family with such grace? I cannot. Tough as nails that one.
Another friend, who has also dealt with abuse in the past, is a constant reminder of how far I have come. Seeing her posts reminds me that I am no longer in a battered women’s shelter, that I have a humble place of my own for my boys, that I am no longer under his control and that I can make my life into whatever I want it to be now. She checks on me from time to time now, she doesn’t have to do that. She is now happily married with a grown daughter and is studying to be a counselor to others. Honestly, I think she is going to be wonderful at it.
The bottom line for me is that there are people doing what they want. They are taking life by the horns, slapping it’s face and making it their bitch. You can find all the inspiration you want, it is a choice, just as everything else is. You can close yourself off, thinking that is the only way you are going to possibly handle a situation, or you can open yourself up to a million different possibilities if you just get out of your own head. There is inspiration all around us, just open your eyes.
This weekend will mark the first Father’s Day since my Dad passed. I honestly wish that I could go without it, what does that say about me? I could easily redeem myself by stating that he would totally understand, but the underlying fact that I wish to be selfish in the first place is still there. When he passed, there were a lot of comments thrown around about my brother and I being adopted, so that somehow implied that we were effected less by his passing, or that he wasn’t as much of a father to us because he wasn’t blood? He was more a father to me than any man I had ever known. It was really quite ridiculous. It is funny to hear of stories about how uptight he use to be about people. My mother always said that he changed the way he looked at people quite a bit in the years they were married. We tend to have that effect on people, my mother and I.
He saw it all clearly before he passed, it was like talking to a completely new man. He understood the effect of negativity, he was ready to try anything to keep himself healthy, anything to get my mom back… I know that I have said it before, but I will probably repeat it time and again, we were so very blessed to have those hours upon hours to talk before he went into surgery. I know in my heart that there is nothing that could replace that. I had that… his adopted, loved, caring step-daughter. We had that…
Can I tell you how it broke my heart that my son picked up his book of photos and before turning to the correct page, he started saying, “Papa, Papa?” It is the small times such as then that tend to catch me off guard and leave me a bawling mess. Think I might take the Lemur King to his Dad’s in Toledo and head over to Molly’s, my Dad’s favorite little diner to eat? His girls would get a kick out of that. Then maybe take a newspaper over to Charlie, Dad’s best friend. He’s in a home right now and he can’t stand it there. Wish I were able to take him out on my own, but I would be too afraid of him losing his footing and falling. We will have to see how it works out. So much to be done. I know that whatever it is that I end up doing, Dad will be right there laughing his behind off. Such a comforting feeling.