Too many little things, not enough of something… that is how today has felt for me. The day was gorgeous! I think it was over 70 degrees for sure! The only other thing you could ask for, and it might almost seem greedy, is clear and sunny skies. I was not disappointed there either. Amazing weather for this time of year, that I cannot argue. There is something underlying here, something catching my breath. Maybe it was my call to my mom the other morning. Sometimes I despise being so closely “in tune” with those I love in my life. Admittedly, there is no grace to be found in me despising it so. Yet, after that moment clicks when you know that you are onto something with someone and you didn’t want to be? That lingering worry that can make you lie awake at night for hours just waiting for something to happen… it’s terrifying!
Things are changing so quickly around here that I had to stop myself today and remember that I cannot please everyone. I am the Queen of Disclaimers. It’s almost humorous to me now how trained the ex had me. “Why don’t you wear makeup, why are you wearing makeup, why are you wearing yoga pants to your best friend’s house, why are there two different kinds of feminine products on this receipt, why was that joke with your friend so funny, why don’t prostitute’s ever complain about that?” That last one was my favorite… Ultimately there is no one else to stand up and accept that I let that happen to myself. I was the one that handed over the keys to myself and said, “Here, redecorate as you wish.” What in the hell was I thinking?
I can tell you one thing, I wasn’t thinking about what a phenomenal woman I am! I sure as heck wasn’t thinking that. Even after all of these years away from him, I still explain my every move to people. That is NO way to live, almost to 40 and feeling like I am a child having to explain my thoughts to my daddy. What a pathetic man to even ever let me feel that way! Ugh….
All of it aside, forever grateful I will be to have went through every heartache. Today I can put my life into perspective and appreciate my family, my loves, my desires, for what they are worth. Today I know what a strong woman I am… Or do I? Why can’t I just live as I use to?
I was watching a dvr’d episode of Anderson today about families of serial killers. Pat Brown was on there and said something that really “hit home” with me… She had stated that one of the killers she had researched put it in perspective best when he was asked something along the lines of,”How do you think the parents feel about not being able to put their daughter to rest?”, he responded with, “If I would’ve cared AT ALL about what the parents thought, I wouldn’t have killed their daughter.” Sums it up for me… some people are just seriously messed up in the head! There are varying degrees, but everyone is capable of a little crazy. When you can’t please someone for this or that, it’s nothing to take personal. It’s just harder for some to hold their crazy in.
I need to quit giving into everyone’s crazy…